i decided it's time for more picture posts.

so here's another one.

a friend found out i like potatoes a while ago. he had my roommate hide some all over my room. it was a merry game of hide and go seek. :)

i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

love.

I just tweeted this:

discussing with Rach the idea that a more correct (selfless) love would have included bold honesty, and the consequences of selfishness. Hm.

here's the deal. you should have told me the truth. i know i was naive, and i know that i was enjoying the attention. but now i miss our friendship. because our friendship according to me was something that was apparently not a friendship to you. 

but since that has changed, everything else will follow. 

i know it was "in like", not "in love", but if you loved me the way you told me you did, as a sister... then the more correct love should still have been shown through you. it's unfair to tell me that we're just friends, yet treat me the same way you're now treating your new "love interest". i understand so much more now. 

i'm sorry i was selfish. i liked the attention and time you gave me.

that part was my fault.

this sounds way dramatic. it's probably overboard. 

but i miss you. and it's spilling out into a blog post that i'm writing while i'm tired and dealing with weird girly emotions. 

don't worry about it. 

once again...

it's so easy for me to fall into the ridiculous and lame pattern of self-pity.

i'm feeling lonely today.


rach is going swimming with caleb... bayes is chillin with his best friend kolby... mueller is blissfully asleep and planning on skyping his true love emma when he wakes up.
i just want someone to listen to me for a couple minutes. i know that's selfish and dumb. i just feel like i've been listening all summer, and my chances to be listened to are few and far between. however, whenever i get those chances, it just makes me want more. it's satisfying for a few days, but it soon wears off, and once again i'm dying to be listened to.

is this why blogs are so popular? people can throw their words and their lives out into cyberspace, hoping that someone, somewhere will read what they have to say and actually care. surely someone is out there who would be interested to hear what i have to say, right?!

i never want people to feel that way. i want to show people everyday that i actually care about who they are and what they have to say.
loneliness is a horrifying thing. 

sigh.

so

much

better.

i'm really glad he apologized. because it was a matter of principle on my part, and i wasn't going to give in for that just because we were fighting.

also, i really really love making sweet tea. especially since everybody loves it and i get show off the way real southerners make real sweet tea.

also, paul newman. i love paul newman. sad he's dead.

culmination

today, i lived on two hours of sleep.
i found out that my film camera cannot be repaired, i was told that i left my computer charger nine hours away back home, and i had a huge fight with my best friend.

this weekend, i drove a car for a total of 20+ hours, talked to a middle schooler about his attempted suicide, and counseled a friend who isn't living for anything beyond herself and knows it... but won't change.

right now, i just want to be held. but instead i have to memorize a list of the kings of israel and judah.

i love

spring.
college.
chips n' dip.
learning about God.
my roommate.
grass.
having bare dirty feet.
having hair that smells like trees.
getting my hair cut.
sleep.
taco bell.
my roommate's boy.
cathy being near me again.
getting dirty taking pictures.
having my window open and my fan on.
boatman 2nd.
chocolate chip cookies.
running.
dresses.
deodorant.
blankets.
indiana jones.
ipods.
sean mcconnell.
jeremy cowart.
painting.
lotion.
singing really loud... but still sounding good.
frontline.
morgan and whitney.
smiles.
brushing my teeth.
anjel ciaravino.
the office.
tom hanks.
good mattresses.
apple juice.
altoids.
real sweet tea.
video games.
bass guitar.
scarves.
chicago.
shoes.
people.
stripes.
hanging things up in my closet.
black and white.
old people.
funny people.
batman.
phineas and ferb.
bruce willis.
pranks.
melinda perry.
refrigerators.
cold drinks.
coffee.
water.
owls.
our guard dog, chief.
my orange stapler.
writing letters.
receiving letters.
listening to smart people talk.
playing the piano.
learning new songs.
hillsong united.
jack johnson.
chocolate chip pancakes.
climbing trees.

i love.

boys

i had to have a weird conversation today with my best friend.

it ended up okay. 

we'll still be best friends for a long time. 

:)

addicted

i don't think i can say i'm truly addicted. but it's making my life much more difficult as i live without it.

i've taken the dare of a friend to go without ice cream for an entire year. well, i never really made the commitment... but i think it could be kind of fun. and by fun, i mean torturous - but with the makings of a good story.

what else am i addicted to?

this brings back the memory of a week or so ago, when i was jumping up and down and whining in agony as my "best friend" ran away with my cell phone, took out the battery and hid it. it is a very rare thing when i take a shower without my cell phone on the sink counter... it might be important!! seriously... what if it's an emergency? or a famous person?? i wouldn't want to miss either of those. is that an addiction?

i wish i was cool enough to say i'm addicted to my camera, but i'm one of those lame photographers who is okay leaving the house without a lens except the contacts in my eyes. laaaaammmmeee.

popularity. the way i felt tonight, when few of my closer friends were with me at my church's college age ministry's service, and i had no one flocking around me or following me when we went to sit down... that feeling was no good at all! i love making people laugh, and feeing important enough for them to follow me around, miss me when i run off to say hello to some acquaintance... and laugh at me for being so distracted when i come back. i know i'm shallow... please still follow me around and laugh at me!!

also, being awake. it's almost 2:30 AM. i have lunch with my padre tomorrow, and i still can't persuade myself to go to sleep at a normal hour!! i'm so unhealthy. the time will also hopefully explain the poor flow of this first post. but i wanted to write down some thoughts. i'm sure no one will read this... there are way too many blogs out there for mine to be important at all (i don't mind!), but i'm such a poor journaler, especially since i left mine in the dorm room back at school. and i want to be able to remember myself in a few years... look back and laugh at how childish and naive i am now.

so we'll see how this goes. wish me luck and good grammar!

..sarah/rosie