i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

i can't sleep.

my life is suddenly changing so much. after june 12, 2011, nothing will EVER be the same. and it all starts right now.

i'm terribly happy. and a little bit lonely. and soooooooo excited! and a small bit sad.

dillon said, "life goes on." i replied, "this is life." 

i'm embracing it to the full. if i view the upcoming year as something terribly exciting and different to get past, and then life will continue afterwards, then i'm completely missing out on life.

i feel awfully old.

bad day.

it's not been one of my better days.

today, i dealt with a lot of heart issues. pride, self pity, low self-esteem, etc. a lot of selfishness going on in my life.
and by "dealt", i don't mean that they're gone... just that i realized once again how horribly they control my life, and started working on changes.
i've found that many times when i need to change on the inside, i need to first change on the outside, and start praying like crazy. God likes to work on hearts when you ask him desperately, i think.

the first half of my day was about outward changes. i changed my attitude and pretended that i hadn't even thought of myself all day, and joked and laughed with my best friends, having fun with them and finding out about their lives. i didn't want to... but i did.

the second half of my day was not about heart issues. it was about life being just plain dumb.
i found out around dinner time that due to weekly charges and fees of which the bank had not taken the time to inform me, my account was overdrawn to a horrifying amount.
i just cost my parents over $1160.
while i had been happily swiping my card to watch a redbox movie, assuming that no one was taking money from my account except for myself, i was actually digging myself into a ridiculous debt hole.

i sat in the bank parking lot and cried after getting off the phone with my gracious and loving daddy. he said that i don't have to pay him and mom back. just because he loves me and trusts in how well i've done with money before this whole issue began in the spring.
my appetite has come back, and i'm craving a cheeseburger.

it's been a while.

it's been busy. i'll post my favorites soon.

maybe tomorrow.

maybe thursday.

i've been reading up on my favorite photogs blogs today... and just found my most recent official photoshoot that i have yet to edit.. or even delete the bad ones haha... and i realize how very very much i still have to learn.

first of all, i've got to figure out how to pose people. second of all, i've got to become legit and and stuff. etc etc etc etcetcetcetcetcetc......

but i don't have time. i'm in school. my summer job is 24/7. i love this so much. i thank God all the time for putting photography on the list of things he wants me to pursue right now.

i want so badly to be excellent.
also, i want to travel. i really want to travel.

my roommate is adorable. and thinks i'm a loser for taking so many pictures sometimes. :)

http://clairealyseblog.com/2010/07/01/if-i-were-you/

the blog post above is a blog post that i admire and love and hold much truth and value to. it would do many people well to read it. and then read it again. and then apply it's truths to their lives. 

i just hate low quality pictures.