night time

i was up late doing homework last night. i broke up the overwhelming amount of work with spontaneous photoshoots that featured... my room. 

mmmnighttimecolors.

shadows.

(:

principles project is due soon.

played with my polaroid.

am i a grandma for having candy in a dish?

she slept peacefully

room decor.

mmmmm.

I LOVE GOD. He's just super ridiculously good.

Today, I did something I never do. I prayed on my knees alone in my room. And it was awesome. It was literally for less than two minutes... but it was the most restful and encouraging and wonderful two minutes I've had in a long time. It was like an automatic open door into the presence of God. Kneeling is just a wonderfully holy thing.

I prayed about this thing Dillon and I talked about. We were actually discussing each others faults (as weird as that sounds), and he told me that I pay way too much attention to what people think of me. Which is absolutely true. I realized this on the phone with Sunshine last night, when I started freaking out because he made a comment about a part of my personality, and I ended up thinking about it throughout the entire conversation, wondering how often people are completely annoyed and turned off by me. Which is stupid.

So I asked God to help me only want to be like him, and only want to please him. Which is awfully hard for me to do. I clearly need his help rather badly.

I realized that not only do I need to recognize this fault, but work on it. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to improving myself. Then I realized I wasn't sure where to start. So I prayed on my knees. And I felt comforted, and energized.

Like I said... God is incredible. I really like him.

p.s. - I've been having trouble sleeping the past three days. Not sure why. I've been told to try lavender by a friends mother. Hmm.

i can't sleep.

it's been almost two hours since i curled up into my blanket and sank into my pillow. i missed my pillow.. i accidentally left it at bayes' house five weeks ago.

rachel and i were talking tonight, and she told me that her boyfriend caleb thinks i haven't been around very much the past few days. i wanted to get angry and hurt, and point out to her how many times she's been out with just him in the past three days. i miss my roommate, and he's been taking her away from me.
but of course, my reaction was to apologize and tell her how much i miss her, sit on her bed and have deeper conversation while giving her my undivided attention.
i think that's the Christlike thing to do. but i hated it. goodness, i'm a selfish girl.

we prayed together like we had every night all summer. that was good. afterwards, i turned on a movie and she called caleb.
but then the movie was over, and they were talking about their relationship, and their favorite parts of their day, and how they're doing getting back into the groove of being at school with all of their friends... and i wanted to sleep.
i was really frustrated. all i want to do is get some sleep.. i have to work in the bookstore tomorrow at 9 AM, i've been busy going to all the freshman orientation sessions and answering questions and being welcoming and practicing with the band. and my roommate is talking on the phone with her boyfriend in the wee hours of the mornin'...
and gosh i'm selfish. and... jealous?

i still can't sleep. blah.

p.s. this is my favorite book. i wish i was a giving tree.

summer. (or lack thereof)

i got back to my house yesterday afternoon.

i'm leaving tuesday.

i didn't get a summer.

i'm so tired. my body's all out of wack. i wasn't hungry all day until dinner, when i started feeling almost faint because i hadn't eaten. i want to sleep all day... but i have spurts of an hour or two towards evening time when i'm pretty sure i could go another three days without sleeping. my tummy hurts. i'm kind of out of it.

i think this has been the hardest part of the summer. getting back and wish i could be here longer. beginning to feel stress about my responsibilities at school this year. blah.

i'm terrified to be a life group leader. just fyi.

culmination

today, i lived on two hours of sleep.
i found out that my film camera cannot be repaired, i was told that i left my computer charger nine hours away back home, and i had a huge fight with my best friend.

this weekend, i drove a car for a total of 20+ hours, talked to a middle schooler about his attempted suicide, and counseled a friend who isn't living for anything beyond herself and knows it... but won't change.

right now, i just want to be held. but instead i have to memorize a list of the kings of israel and judah.

mail call!

got a huge package in the mail this week!

it held:
big red (the soda!)
Ale 8 1 (also a soda!)
goldfish crackers
twizzlers
pringles
and valentines boxes of chocolates!!!

i love my family.

also, i have a ton of homework tonight.

a harmony of three gospels (only a section a few verses long in each)
a 1-2 page narrative paper rough draft
20 verses to memorize
reading for a seminar

all these things are due tomorrow/friday/saturday. stupid seminars messing up my weekend.