resolute.

I wish more people were truly resolute. 
People hear the phrase "New Years Resolution" and it now means something you follow for three weeks and then forget about... what about that is resolute? Absolutely nothing.
Yet the idea behind them is beautiful and intriguing. People desire to use the start of a new year to bring about the start of a new beginning for themselves - the beginning of something exciting, something that betters themselves and the world around them, something that stretches them and changes them and brings them to become the person they desire to be. I think that's wonderful.
So while I won't be making any official resolutions, I will be resolute in my desire and pursuit of change. I read Romans 12 yesterday. I want to be a Romans 12 woman. That is my "resolution". This is in no way anything that will be accomplished in the space of 2011... but I'll get there eventually. But I'm going to begin to become... now.
I enjoyed this article -  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203731004576046103927290950.html?mod=WSJ_hp_LEFTTopStories

love.

I just tweeted this:

discussing with Rach the idea that a more correct (selfless) love would have included bold honesty, and the consequences of selfishness. Hm.

here's the deal. you should have told me the truth. i know i was naive, and i know that i was enjoying the attention. but now i miss our friendship. because our friendship according to me was something that was apparently not a friendship to you. 

but since that has changed, everything else will follow. 

i know it was "in like", not "in love", but if you loved me the way you told me you did, as a sister... then the more correct love should still have been shown through you. it's unfair to tell me that we're just friends, yet treat me the same way you're now treating your new "love interest". i understand so much more now. 

i'm sorry i was selfish. i liked the attention and time you gave me.

that part was my fault.

this sounds way dramatic. it's probably overboard. 

but i miss you. and it's spilling out into a blog post that i'm writing while i'm tired and dealing with weird girly emotions. 

don't worry about it. 

back at school.

why do people type with symbols and numbers in place of words? i don't understand.

i meet the girls in my small group tomorrow. we'll meet weekly for the rest of the year.

i hope they like me.

once again...

it's so easy for me to fall into the ridiculous and lame pattern of self-pity.

i'm feeling lonely today.


rach is going swimming with caleb... bayes is chillin with his best friend kolby... mueller is blissfully asleep and planning on skyping his true love emma when he wakes up.
i just want someone to listen to me for a couple minutes. i know that's selfish and dumb. i just feel like i've been listening all summer, and my chances to be listened to are few and far between. however, whenever i get those chances, it just makes me want more. it's satisfying for a few days, but it soon wears off, and once again i'm dying to be listened to.

is this why blogs are so popular? people can throw their words and their lives out into cyberspace, hoping that someone, somewhere will read what they have to say and actually care. surely someone is out there who would be interested to hear what i have to say, right?!

i never want people to feel that way. i want to show people everyday that i actually care about who they are and what they have to say.
loneliness is a horrifying thing. 

click on these.

awesome

adorable

eyes

last

p.s. - my grandparents are having their fiftieth next april, so we had a photoshoot the other day. they're absolutely adorable.

people

i love so many people. i basically love everyone in the world. not even kidding, God has given me this cool thing that allows me to see people as something worthy to love and take care of... so i love them. they're valuable for sure.

but some things drive me crazy.

like the freshman couple who hang out in my dorm's lobby all the time... giggling about who knows what, kissing all over each other, and having incredibly uncomfortable to over-hear conversations like how obsessed he is that her feet stay soft. (what?!?!)

like the way almost every time you walk into a girl's dorm room, they're talking about boys, in some shape or form. i'm not gonna lie, me and rach do it, too... so i can't judge you too much. but i don't really care how cute the new guy on campus is... or what colors your wedding will be, someday, after you get a boyfriend and he proposes. or how your boyfriend forgot to get you anything for your four month anniversary. (why do people count those anyways?! celebrate longevity and true sacrificial love... not a four month relationship that may not make it to the fifth.)

like the way every time you walk into my room to waste time while your mac n' cheese is warming up across the hall, and spend the whole three and a half minutes talking about how so many boys think you like them, but you weren't even flirting or anything!!! and all these people keep teasing you about all these different boys... but you can't help it, you just hang out with a lot of boys, you guess.

some things i actually like to observe because of how much they amuse me.

like the conversation i overheard while waiting for krystin to finish checking out at walmart... "i'm never coming to walmart again!!" ha! yeah good luck with that, living in jomo, where walmart is the only place bigger than a gas station to buy groceries. also, walmart was busy today... learn to deal. the managers there do not revolve all of their job around making your visit to walmart as easy as they possibly can. you aren't their only customer. haha.

like the time when *the unnamed one whom i love* came and sat with the guys/rosie table for dinner the other day... right next to the guy with the funniest/gayest/rudest mouth ever. it was brilliant!!! i love this girl so, so much... but watching her interact with trevor and patrick might have been the funniest thing i've seen in a really long time!! ha.

like the way my roommate wanted to boil water with her teapot and then pour it into old water bottles... when there's a water fountain down the hall. she's so cute... i kind of like her a lot.

anyways. that's all. for now.