i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

i just want to go home.

i don't like doing two negative posts in a row, but it's been a tough week.

and all i want to do is go home.

i've been super sensitive about everything concerning my family and louisville all week. i feel bad.

i have to do homework, but i would much rather curl up under my blanket and sleep. sleep would take me out of this for a while.

i think my dad was in my dream last night.

nothing to say.

our camp this past week had us leading 250 junior high students. it was super fun and super tiring.

morning show was a blast to do. i like morning show.
but i hate mornings.

i taught them all the bacon dance. it was AWESOME.

we have CIY:MO this week... i'm sooooo excited. i'm remembering Bible and Beach and how good it was... and i'm thrilled i get to go to another CIY. it's been over a year, i think i'm having withdrawals.
just kidding.

but seriously.

i've been super homesick. i think loving daniel bayes' family so much makes me remember how much i love my own family.. i long for them quite a bit.

i'm kind of a baby about it. i should grow up i guess.

i don't really want to.

i bought jeans today, and they don't have a zipper. they're super weird. monticello, illinois has almost nothing in the way of clothing stores. bayes' parents told me to look for pants at dollar general.
i was so confused.

good news. i called my dad today and found out that he would be giving the sex talk to 300 college age students at my home church to help out with their series on sexual purity.
of course, i know many of these people. i wish so bad i could've been there. oh well. i had the same talk seven years ago... i guess i need to be generous with my dad's biblical wisdom on Christian sexuality.

haha.

also

i miss big red.

NO! not the gum. pfft. that gum tastes gross.

the SODA.

big red is a drink. not a zingy gum.

and i want some.