i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

i can't sleep.

it's been almost two hours since i curled up into my blanket and sank into my pillow. i missed my pillow.. i accidentally left it at bayes' house five weeks ago.

rachel and i were talking tonight, and she told me that her boyfriend caleb thinks i haven't been around very much the past few days. i wanted to get angry and hurt, and point out to her how many times she's been out with just him in the past three days. i miss my roommate, and he's been taking her away from me.
but of course, my reaction was to apologize and tell her how much i miss her, sit on her bed and have deeper conversation while giving her my undivided attention.
i think that's the Christlike thing to do. but i hated it. goodness, i'm a selfish girl.

we prayed together like we had every night all summer. that was good. afterwards, i turned on a movie and she called caleb.
but then the movie was over, and they were talking about their relationship, and their favorite parts of their day, and how they're doing getting back into the groove of being at school with all of their friends... and i wanted to sleep.
i was really frustrated. all i want to do is get some sleep.. i have to work in the bookstore tomorrow at 9 AM, i've been busy going to all the freshman orientation sessions and answering questions and being welcoming and practicing with the band. and my roommate is talking on the phone with her boyfriend in the wee hours of the mornin'...
and gosh i'm selfish. and... jealous?

i still can't sleep. blah.

p.s. this is my favorite book. i wish i was a giving tree.

people

i love so many people. i basically love everyone in the world. not even kidding, God has given me this cool thing that allows me to see people as something worthy to love and take care of... so i love them. they're valuable for sure.

but some things drive me crazy.

like the freshman couple who hang out in my dorm's lobby all the time... giggling about who knows what, kissing all over each other, and having incredibly uncomfortable to over-hear conversations like how obsessed he is that her feet stay soft. (what?!?!)

like the way almost every time you walk into a girl's dorm room, they're talking about boys, in some shape or form. i'm not gonna lie, me and rach do it, too... so i can't judge you too much. but i don't really care how cute the new guy on campus is... or what colors your wedding will be, someday, after you get a boyfriend and he proposes. or how your boyfriend forgot to get you anything for your four month anniversary. (why do people count those anyways?! celebrate longevity and true sacrificial love... not a four month relationship that may not make it to the fifth.)

like the way every time you walk into my room to waste time while your mac n' cheese is warming up across the hall, and spend the whole three and a half minutes talking about how so many boys think you like them, but you weren't even flirting or anything!!! and all these people keep teasing you about all these different boys... but you can't help it, you just hang out with a lot of boys, you guess.

some things i actually like to observe because of how much they amuse me.

like the conversation i overheard while waiting for krystin to finish checking out at walmart... "i'm never coming to walmart again!!" ha! yeah good luck with that, living in jomo, where walmart is the only place bigger than a gas station to buy groceries. also, walmart was busy today... learn to deal. the managers there do not revolve all of their job around making your visit to walmart as easy as they possibly can. you aren't their only customer. haha.

like the time when *the unnamed one whom i love* came and sat with the guys/rosie table for dinner the other day... right next to the guy with the funniest/gayest/rudest mouth ever. it was brilliant!!! i love this girl so, so much... but watching her interact with trevor and patrick might have been the funniest thing i've seen in a really long time!! ha.

like the way my roommate wanted to boil water with her teapot and then pour it into old water bottles... when there's a water fountain down the hall. she's so cute... i kind of like her a lot.

anyways. that's all. for now.