i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

once again...

it's so easy for me to fall into the ridiculous and lame pattern of self-pity.

i'm feeling lonely today.


rach is going swimming with caleb... bayes is chillin with his best friend kolby... mueller is blissfully asleep and planning on skyping his true love emma when he wakes up.
i just want someone to listen to me for a couple minutes. i know that's selfish and dumb. i just feel like i've been listening all summer, and my chances to be listened to are few and far between. however, whenever i get those chances, it just makes me want more. it's satisfying for a few days, but it soon wears off, and once again i'm dying to be listened to.

is this why blogs are so popular? people can throw their words and their lives out into cyberspace, hoping that someone, somewhere will read what they have to say and actually care. surely someone is out there who would be interested to hear what i have to say, right?!

i never want people to feel that way. i want to show people everyday that i actually care about who they are and what they have to say.
loneliness is a horrifying thing.