excerpt from my aesthetics/photography paper notes.

Reading what Arthur C. Danto had to say about the idea that art reaches its apex in fulfillment when being appreciated as a source of pleasure helped me realize my semi-indifferent attitude about the way people view art. He was offended, and seemed to say, “How would a woman feel if you told her you only keep her around because she’s beautiful or sexy?” But as for my feelings on the subject, let others view art as they may... only as a lovely thing to look at, or as something to ignite, to illuminate, to inspire. Art is powerful and moving no matter how one views it... let it show some that there is beauty and goodness and loveliness in the world, let it show others truths about God, about people, and about life - and let them be changed. I shall let them view as they please, and look for the deeper myself. 

i decided it's time for more picture posts.

so here's another one.

a friend found out i like potatoes a while ago. he had my roommate hide some all over my room. it was a merry game of hide and go seek. :)

night time

i was up late doing homework last night. i broke up the overwhelming amount of work with spontaneous photoshoots that featured... my room. 

mmmnighttimecolors.

shadows.

(:

principles project is due soon.

played with my polaroid.

am i a grandma for having candy in a dish?

she slept peacefully

room decor.

a moment.

a beautiful picture for you.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/leicaman/5061743131/in/photostream/

college life

My life has been hectic with homework and such lately, so I'll leave you with this short update -- God is good.

Click here to see Jesus

mmmmm.

I LOVE GOD. He's just super ridiculously good.

Today, I did something I never do. I prayed on my knees alone in my room. And it was awesome. It was literally for less than two minutes... but it was the most restful and encouraging and wonderful two minutes I've had in a long time. It was like an automatic open door into the presence of God. Kneeling is just a wonderfully holy thing.

I prayed about this thing Dillon and I talked about. We were actually discussing each others faults (as weird as that sounds), and he told me that I pay way too much attention to what people think of me. Which is absolutely true. I realized this on the phone with Sunshine last night, when I started freaking out because he made a comment about a part of my personality, and I ended up thinking about it throughout the entire conversation, wondering how often people are completely annoyed and turned off by me. Which is stupid.

So I asked God to help me only want to be like him, and only want to please him. Which is awfully hard for me to do. I clearly need his help rather badly.

I realized that not only do I need to recognize this fault, but work on it. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to improving myself. Then I realized I wasn't sure where to start. So I prayed on my knees. And I felt comforted, and energized.

Like I said... God is incredible. I really like him.

p.s. - I've been having trouble sleeping the past three days. Not sure why. I've been told to try lavender by a friends mother. Hmm.

Bible College.

you know what i realized? when most people have to study for a test, they need a binder full of notes, maybe a couple textbooks, etc.

but while i'm studying for the test i have tomorrow, all i need is my bible. i'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and my little travel bible, reading out of it for my big test in matthew class tomorrow morning.

i love learning about the bible. dang, it's so good.

i can't believe i get to be here, learning from some of the greatest minds and teachers in Christianity alive today. i just want to learn to be like Jesus. and that's what i'm doing.

gosh, what a good life.

p.s. i went home this weekend, and it was marvelous. i got to play around a lot with my mom's film camera... took five whole rolls. my family is incredibly beautiful. i'm so grateful for them.
p.p.s. WALMART SELLS BIG RED NOW! WOOHOOOOO!

i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

i can't sleep.

my life is suddenly changing so much. after june 12, 2011, nothing will EVER be the same. and it all starts right now.

i'm terribly happy. and a little bit lonely. and soooooooo excited! and a small bit sad.

dillon said, "life goes on." i replied, "this is life." 

i'm embracing it to the full. if i view the upcoming year as something terribly exciting and different to get past, and then life will continue afterwards, then i'm completely missing out on life.

i feel awfully old.

photoshoot!!

i had an engagement photoshoot yesterday!!!! aaaaahhhh we had so much fun. i was nervous because i'm friends with the couple here at school, and i see them all the time, and if my photos were only marginal, they would still have to be nice to me and tell them that they like the photos. and that condescension is the worst feeling ever. 


but it went great!! i love them. and they love them, too! and they paid me with this delicious coffee stuff, and i'm so excited to try it... whitney said she and her roommate love it.

oh... but don't spread it around that they didn't pay me money. i needed new portfolio pictures, okay? nobody else is going to get a free ride.

anyways. i'm so happy about it. it was SO good to get back in the saddle again with a legitimate photoshoot. and i spent the time working on how to work with my clients, get them in the right attitude and such for pictures so i can get my desired effect, and learning how to pose them better. i actually told them what to do this time! it helps so much.

i feel like those two things are a big part of professionalism that i was no where near having in my shoots.

i went through them all last night, edited them, and made a cd for their viewing... they sat in my lobby and ooh'd and ahh'd over them. they're so happy with them... i wanted to burst in an explosion of gladness.

slight exaggeration. but you get my meaning.

i just want to go home.

i don't like doing two negative posts in a row, but it's been a tough week.

and all i want to do is go home.

i've been super sensitive about everything concerning my family and louisville all week. i feel bad.

i have to do homework, but i would much rather curl up under my blanket and sleep. sleep would take me out of this for a while.

i think my dad was in my dream last night.

love.

I just tweeted this:

discussing with Rach the idea that a more correct (selfless) love would have included bold honesty, and the consequences of selfishness. Hm.

here's the deal. you should have told me the truth. i know i was naive, and i know that i was enjoying the attention. but now i miss our friendship. because our friendship according to me was something that was apparently not a friendship to you. 

but since that has changed, everything else will follow. 

i know it was "in like", not "in love", but if you loved me the way you told me you did, as a sister... then the more correct love should still have been shown through you. it's unfair to tell me that we're just friends, yet treat me the same way you're now treating your new "love interest". i understand so much more now. 

i'm sorry i was selfish. i liked the attention and time you gave me.

that part was my fault.

this sounds way dramatic. it's probably overboard. 

but i miss you. and it's spilling out into a blog post that i'm writing while i'm tired and dealing with weird girly emotions. 

don't worry about it. 

i can't sleep.

it's been almost two hours since i curled up into my blanket and sank into my pillow. i missed my pillow.. i accidentally left it at bayes' house five weeks ago.

rachel and i were talking tonight, and she told me that her boyfriend caleb thinks i haven't been around very much the past few days. i wanted to get angry and hurt, and point out to her how many times she's been out with just him in the past three days. i miss my roommate, and he's been taking her away from me.
but of course, my reaction was to apologize and tell her how much i miss her, sit on her bed and have deeper conversation while giving her my undivided attention.
i think that's the Christlike thing to do. but i hated it. goodness, i'm a selfish girl.

we prayed together like we had every night all summer. that was good. afterwards, i turned on a movie and she called caleb.
but then the movie was over, and they were talking about their relationship, and their favorite parts of their day, and how they're doing getting back into the groove of being at school with all of their friends... and i wanted to sleep.
i was really frustrated. all i want to do is get some sleep.. i have to work in the bookstore tomorrow at 9 AM, i've been busy going to all the freshman orientation sessions and answering questions and being welcoming and practicing with the band. and my roommate is talking on the phone with her boyfriend in the wee hours of the mornin'...
and gosh i'm selfish. and... jealous?

i still can't sleep. blah.

p.s. this is my favorite book. i wish i was a giving tree.

back at school.

why do people type with symbols and numbers in place of words? i don't understand.

i meet the girls in my small group tomorrow. we'll meet weekly for the rest of the year.

i hope they like me.

schmome.

being guilted into doing a photoshoot may be the worst cruel and unusual thing i have ever suffered. especially in over 100 degree weather. however...

i got some good shots out of it. i was forced to do well in an environment that i hated. it got me the practice i've been desperately needing all summer.

i have several engagement shoots coming up once i get to school in a few days, and i hadn't done a legit photoshoot in quite a while. i was pretty rusty.

but i shot johnnie and sydney yesterday, my cousins family this morning, and my sister's senior portraits this afternoon.

i think i'm getting practice in. (:

summer. (or lack thereof)

i got back to my house yesterday afternoon.

i'm leaving tuesday.

i didn't get a summer.

i'm so tired. my body's all out of wack. i wasn't hungry all day until dinner, when i started feeling almost faint because i hadn't eaten. i want to sleep all day... but i have spurts of an hour or two towards evening time when i'm pretty sure i could go another three days without sleeping. my tummy hurts. i'm kind of out of it.

i think this has been the hardest part of the summer. getting back and wish i could be here longer. beginning to feel stress about my responsibilities at school this year. blah.

i'm terrified to be a life group leader. just fyi.

nothing to say.

our camp this past week had us leading 250 junior high students. it was super fun and super tiring.

morning show was a blast to do. i like morning show.
but i hate mornings.

i taught them all the bacon dance. it was AWESOME.

we have CIY:MO this week... i'm sooooo excited. i'm remembering Bible and Beach and how good it was... and i'm thrilled i get to go to another CIY. it's been over a year, i think i'm having withdrawals.
just kidding.

but seriously.

i've been super homesick. i think loving daniel bayes' family so much makes me remember how much i love my own family.. i long for them quite a bit.

i'm kind of a baby about it. i should grow up i guess.

i don't really want to.

i bought jeans today, and they don't have a zipper. they're super weird. monticello, illinois has almost nothing in the way of clothing stores. bayes' parents told me to look for pants at dollar general.
i was so confused.

good news. i called my dad today and found out that he would be giving the sex talk to 300 college age students at my home church to help out with their series on sexual purity.
of course, i know many of these people. i wish so bad i could've been there. oh well. i had the same talk seven years ago... i guess i need to be generous with my dad's biblical wisdom on Christian sexuality.

haha.

bad day.

it's not been one of my better days.

today, i dealt with a lot of heart issues. pride, self pity, low self-esteem, etc. a lot of selfishness going on in my life.
and by "dealt", i don't mean that they're gone... just that i realized once again how horribly they control my life, and started working on changes.
i've found that many times when i need to change on the inside, i need to first change on the outside, and start praying like crazy. God likes to work on hearts when you ask him desperately, i think.

the first half of my day was about outward changes. i changed my attitude and pretended that i hadn't even thought of myself all day, and joked and laughed with my best friends, having fun with them and finding out about their lives. i didn't want to... but i did.

the second half of my day was not about heart issues. it was about life being just plain dumb.
i found out around dinner time that due to weekly charges and fees of which the bank had not taken the time to inform me, my account was overdrawn to a horrifying amount.
i just cost my parents over $1160.
while i had been happily swiping my card to watch a redbox movie, assuming that no one was taking money from my account except for myself, i was actually digging myself into a ridiculous debt hole.

i sat in the bank parking lot and cried after getting off the phone with my gracious and loving daddy. he said that i don't have to pay him and mom back. just because he loves me and trusts in how well i've done with money before this whole issue began in the spring.
my appetite has come back, and i'm craving a cheeseburger.

once again...

it's so easy for me to fall into the ridiculous and lame pattern of self-pity.

i'm feeling lonely today.


rach is going swimming with caleb... bayes is chillin with his best friend kolby... mueller is blissfully asleep and planning on skyping his true love emma when he wakes up.
i just want someone to listen to me for a couple minutes. i know that's selfish and dumb. i just feel like i've been listening all summer, and my chances to be listened to are few and far between. however, whenever i get those chances, it just makes me want more. it's satisfying for a few days, but it soon wears off, and once again i'm dying to be listened to.

is this why blogs are so popular? people can throw their words and their lives out into cyberspace, hoping that someone, somewhere will read what they have to say and actually care. surely someone is out there who would be interested to hear what i have to say, right?!

i never want people to feel that way. i want to show people everyday that i actually care about who they are and what they have to say.
loneliness is a horrifying thing. 

song.

i think i've decided to drop out of college and quit my job and become a talented, rich and gorgeous jazz singer.

i'll let you know how it goes.

today, my team asked me to describe my ideal true love. i was not ready to answer them... i had never thought about it longer than maybe three seconds at a time. i asked for a moment to gather my thoughts, and ended up talking about this future husband person for forty-five minutes. but i think it was probably good to think about that... right? people always tell you to make up a list of criteria your future spouse must meet, and figure out what parts of that list cannot be flexible and what parts could be compromised. i mean, that's what i've always heard.

i should write some of the stuff down probably... i discovered a lot about myself by just opening my mouth and thinking out loud.

p.s. i really love music. i wish i was skilled on an instrument, and could write masterpieces. 

privileges of old people

one thing i like about being quite old (going on nineteen this year!) is my ability to eat what i want without my mother punishing me.

for example, tonight, i ate steak and strawberry shortcake, and my mother didn't say a single thing about the absence of her cooked squash on my plate.

squash is super gross. 

i love college.

p.s. -- my mom cut my hair today, and she cut is way shorter than i wanted her to. but i didn't tell her, because she would feel horrible. and it's cute anyways... just short. my little brother asked if i would be offended if he told me that i look like a boy from the back. i said, "yeah, never say that again, please." he hasn't. haha. at least i have no facial hair.

camp

it's been an awesome four weeks. break week now and we're looking forward to our next four!! God's doing cool stuff all over the place. it's a pleasure and a privilege to watch Him work in and through people's lives. 

it's been a while.

it's been busy. i'll post my favorites soon.

maybe tomorrow.

maybe thursday.

i've been reading up on my favorite photogs blogs today... and just found my most recent official photoshoot that i have yet to edit.. or even delete the bad ones haha... and i realize how very very much i still have to learn.

first of all, i've got to figure out how to pose people. second of all, i've got to become legit and and stuff. etc etc etc etcetcetcetcetcetc......

but i don't have time. i'm in school. my summer job is 24/7. i love this so much. i thank God all the time for putting photography on the list of things he wants me to pursue right now.

i want so badly to be excellent.
also, i want to travel. i really want to travel.

my roommate is adorable. and thinks i'm a loser for taking so many pictures sometimes. :)

http://clairealyseblog.com/2010/07/01/if-i-were-you/

the blog post above is a blog post that i admire and love and hold much truth and value to. it would do many people well to read it. and then read it again. and then apply it's truths to their lives. 

i just hate low quality pictures.

click on these.

awesome

adorable

eyes

last

p.s. - my grandparents are having their fiftieth next april, so we had a photoshoot the other day. they're absolutely adorable.

sigh.

so

much

better.

i'm really glad he apologized. because it was a matter of principle on my part, and i wasn't going to give in for that just because we were fighting.

also, i really really love making sweet tea. especially since everybody loves it and i get show off the way real southerners make real sweet tea.

also, paul newman. i love paul newman. sad he's dead.