love.

I just tweeted this:

discussing with Rach the idea that a more correct (selfless) love would have included bold honesty, and the consequences of selfishness. Hm.

here's the deal. you should have told me the truth. i know i was naive, and i know that i was enjoying the attention. but now i miss our friendship. because our friendship according to me was something that was apparently not a friendship to you. 

but since that has changed, everything else will follow. 

i know it was "in like", not "in love", but if you loved me the way you told me you did, as a sister... then the more correct love should still have been shown through you. it's unfair to tell me that we're just friends, yet treat me the same way you're now treating your new "love interest". i understand so much more now. 

i'm sorry i was selfish. i liked the attention and time you gave me.

that part was my fault.

this sounds way dramatic. it's probably overboard. 

but i miss you. and it's spilling out into a blog post that i'm writing while i'm tired and dealing with weird girly emotions. 

don't worry about it. 

i can't sleep.

it's been almost two hours since i curled up into my blanket and sank into my pillow. i missed my pillow.. i accidentally left it at bayes' house five weeks ago.

rachel and i were talking tonight, and she told me that her boyfriend caleb thinks i haven't been around very much the past few days. i wanted to get angry and hurt, and point out to her how many times she's been out with just him in the past three days. i miss my roommate, and he's been taking her away from me.
but of course, my reaction was to apologize and tell her how much i miss her, sit on her bed and have deeper conversation while giving her my undivided attention.
i think that's the Christlike thing to do. but i hated it. goodness, i'm a selfish girl.

we prayed together like we had every night all summer. that was good. afterwards, i turned on a movie and she called caleb.
but then the movie was over, and they were talking about their relationship, and their favorite parts of their day, and how they're doing getting back into the groove of being at school with all of their friends... and i wanted to sleep.
i was really frustrated. all i want to do is get some sleep.. i have to work in the bookstore tomorrow at 9 AM, i've been busy going to all the freshman orientation sessions and answering questions and being welcoming and practicing with the band. and my roommate is talking on the phone with her boyfriend in the wee hours of the mornin'...
and gosh i'm selfish. and... jealous?

i still can't sleep. blah.

p.s. this is my favorite book. i wish i was a giving tree.

back at school.

why do people type with symbols and numbers in place of words? i don't understand.

i meet the girls in my small group tomorrow. we'll meet weekly for the rest of the year.

i hope they like me.

schmome.

being guilted into doing a photoshoot may be the worst cruel and unusual thing i have ever suffered. especially in over 100 degree weather. however...

i got some good shots out of it. i was forced to do well in an environment that i hated. it got me the practice i've been desperately needing all summer.

i have several engagement shoots coming up once i get to school in a few days, and i hadn't done a legit photoshoot in quite a while. i was pretty rusty.

but i shot johnnie and sydney yesterday, my cousins family this morning, and my sister's senior portraits this afternoon.

i think i'm getting practice in. (:

summer. (or lack thereof)

i got back to my house yesterday afternoon.

i'm leaving tuesday.

i didn't get a summer.

i'm so tired. my body's all out of wack. i wasn't hungry all day until dinner, when i started feeling almost faint because i hadn't eaten. i want to sleep all day... but i have spurts of an hour or two towards evening time when i'm pretty sure i could go another three days without sleeping. my tummy hurts. i'm kind of out of it.

i think this has been the hardest part of the summer. getting back and wish i could be here longer. beginning to feel stress about my responsibilities at school this year. blah.

i'm terrified to be a life group leader. just fyi.

nothing to say.

our camp this past week had us leading 250 junior high students. it was super fun and super tiring.

morning show was a blast to do. i like morning show.
but i hate mornings.

i taught them all the bacon dance. it was AWESOME.

we have CIY:MO this week... i'm sooooo excited. i'm remembering Bible and Beach and how good it was... and i'm thrilled i get to go to another CIY. it's been over a year, i think i'm having withdrawals.
just kidding.

but seriously.

i've been super homesick. i think loving daniel bayes' family so much makes me remember how much i love my own family.. i long for them quite a bit.

i'm kind of a baby about it. i should grow up i guess.

i don't really want to.

i bought jeans today, and they don't have a zipper. they're super weird. monticello, illinois has almost nothing in the way of clothing stores. bayes' parents told me to look for pants at dollar general.
i was so confused.

good news. i called my dad today and found out that he would be giving the sex talk to 300 college age students at my home church to help out with their series on sexual purity.
of course, i know many of these people. i wish so bad i could've been there. oh well. i had the same talk seven years ago... i guess i need to be generous with my dad's biblical wisdom on Christian sexuality.

haha.

bad day.

it's not been one of my better days.

today, i dealt with a lot of heart issues. pride, self pity, low self-esteem, etc. a lot of selfishness going on in my life.
and by "dealt", i don't mean that they're gone... just that i realized once again how horribly they control my life, and started working on changes.
i've found that many times when i need to change on the inside, i need to first change on the outside, and start praying like crazy. God likes to work on hearts when you ask him desperately, i think.

the first half of my day was about outward changes. i changed my attitude and pretended that i hadn't even thought of myself all day, and joked and laughed with my best friends, having fun with them and finding out about their lives. i didn't want to... but i did.

the second half of my day was not about heart issues. it was about life being just plain dumb.
i found out around dinner time that due to weekly charges and fees of which the bank had not taken the time to inform me, my account was overdrawn to a horrifying amount.
i just cost my parents over $1160.
while i had been happily swiping my card to watch a redbox movie, assuming that no one was taking money from my account except for myself, i was actually digging myself into a ridiculous debt hole.

i sat in the bank parking lot and cried after getting off the phone with my gracious and loving daddy. he said that i don't have to pay him and mom back. just because he loves me and trusts in how well i've done with money before this whole issue began in the spring.
my appetite has come back, and i'm craving a cheeseburger.

once again...

it's so easy for me to fall into the ridiculous and lame pattern of self-pity.

i'm feeling lonely today.


rach is going swimming with caleb... bayes is chillin with his best friend kolby... mueller is blissfully asleep and planning on skyping his true love emma when he wakes up.
i just want someone to listen to me for a couple minutes. i know that's selfish and dumb. i just feel like i've been listening all summer, and my chances to be listened to are few and far between. however, whenever i get those chances, it just makes me want more. it's satisfying for a few days, but it soon wears off, and once again i'm dying to be listened to.

is this why blogs are so popular? people can throw their words and their lives out into cyberspace, hoping that someone, somewhere will read what they have to say and actually care. surely someone is out there who would be interested to hear what i have to say, right?!

i never want people to feel that way. i want to show people everyday that i actually care about who they are and what they have to say.
loneliness is a horrifying thing. 

song.

i think i've decided to drop out of college and quit my job and become a talented, rich and gorgeous jazz singer.

i'll let you know how it goes.

today, my team asked me to describe my ideal true love. i was not ready to answer them... i had never thought about it longer than maybe three seconds at a time. i asked for a moment to gather my thoughts, and ended up talking about this future husband person for forty-five minutes. but i think it was probably good to think about that... right? people always tell you to make up a list of criteria your future spouse must meet, and figure out what parts of that list cannot be flexible and what parts could be compromised. i mean, that's what i've always heard.

i should write some of the stuff down probably... i discovered a lot about myself by just opening my mouth and thinking out loud.

p.s. i really love music. i wish i was skilled on an instrument, and could write masterpieces. 

privileges of old people

one thing i like about being quite old (going on nineteen this year!) is my ability to eat what i want without my mother punishing me.

for example, tonight, i ate steak and strawberry shortcake, and my mother didn't say a single thing about the absence of her cooked squash on my plate.

squash is super gross. 

i love college.

p.s. -- my mom cut my hair today, and she cut is way shorter than i wanted her to. but i didn't tell her, because she would feel horrible. and it's cute anyways... just short. my little brother asked if i would be offended if he told me that i look like a boy from the back. i said, "yeah, never say that again, please." he hasn't. haha. at least i have no facial hair.

camp

it's been an awesome four weeks. break week now and we're looking forward to our next four!! God's doing cool stuff all over the place. it's a pleasure and a privilege to watch Him work in and through people's lives. 

it's been a while.

it's been busy. i'll post my favorites soon.

maybe tomorrow.

maybe thursday.

i've been reading up on my favorite photogs blogs today... and just found my most recent official photoshoot that i have yet to edit.. or even delete the bad ones haha... and i realize how very very much i still have to learn.

first of all, i've got to figure out how to pose people. second of all, i've got to become legit and and stuff. etc etc etc etcetcetcetcetcetc......

but i don't have time. i'm in school. my summer job is 24/7. i love this so much. i thank God all the time for putting photography on the list of things he wants me to pursue right now.

i want so badly to be excellent.
also, i want to travel. i really want to travel.

my roommate is adorable. and thinks i'm a loser for taking so many pictures sometimes. :)

http://clairealyseblog.com/2010/07/01/if-i-were-you/

the blog post above is a blog post that i admire and love and hold much truth and value to. it would do many people well to read it. and then read it again. and then apply it's truths to their lives. 

i just hate low quality pictures.