i know what's wrong with me.

it just hit me.

i'm a life group leader. it's been a major part of my life pouring into those girls, praying for them, trying to be an encouraging part of their lives.
i'm in frontline. i feel like i take some responsibility in the group... everybody texts me to ask for details, i'm best friends with the assistant, matt asks my opinion on a lot of things, and when we had the fiasco with mary, i was a big part of helping judy with the stress.
i'm a roommate. there's SO much going on with rach right now, and i feel like i really really need to be a support for her and an encouragement for her. she does not need any more stress right now than what is already on her plate, and if i can help take some of that off by being the support a Godly friend should be, then it's a wonderful day for both of us.
i'm somewhat of a counselor for one of my best friends. she's been through a ton throughout her life, and i'm her oldest and closest friend right now. we're accountability "partners", and we had breakfast this morning. she needs Godly advice and a truth-telling friend that won't judge, will understand, will encourage, and will help. i guess that's me.

what this adds up to: i don't have a life group leader that is pouring into helping my life. while my roommate is incredible and has been helping me with a lot of what's going on in my life, i can't tell her how her news is affecting me in a sort-of-bad way. since that news isn't public, i can't really get that support from anybody. i'm nine hours away from home, and i just got to talk to my daddy for half an hour... for the first time in several weeks. ha. thirty minutes didn't even get through all the stuff i'm struggling with right now. i'm going to church weekly, but i don't have any kind of mentor or small group leader in that arena either. kevin greer is meeting with us life group leaders once a week, but we pretty much just hang out, plan events, and learn about small group leadership stuff. it's nice, but not really deep. matt and joy are wonderful, but i don't connect with joy the way i would want to for a mentor-type person, and obviously i can't go and cry in matt's office. weird.

i feel like i'm learning about the lonely part of being selfless. 

but in a bad way. 

i think it's healthy for me to have someone pour into me as i try and pour everything i have into those around me who need me.

it might be time for me to start hanging out with madison hart again. 

i miss her. she's really the only upperclassman with whom i feel comfortable enough talking about life things.

hmm.

p.s. i don't want you to get me wrong - i'm THRILLED about rachel's upcoming developments in life. SO excited. 

i'm just feeling lonely. 

i can't sleep.

my life is suddenly changing so much. after june 12, 2011, nothing will EVER be the same. and it all starts right now.

i'm terribly happy. and a little bit lonely. and soooooooo excited! and a small bit sad.

dillon said, "life goes on." i replied, "this is life." 

i'm embracing it to the full. if i view the upcoming year as something terribly exciting and different to get past, and then life will continue afterwards, then i'm completely missing out on life.

i feel awfully old.

photoshoot!!

i had an engagement photoshoot yesterday!!!! aaaaahhhh we had so much fun. i was nervous because i'm friends with the couple here at school, and i see them all the time, and if my photos were only marginal, they would still have to be nice to me and tell them that they like the photos. and that condescension is the worst feeling ever. 


but it went great!! i love them. and they love them, too! and they paid me with this delicious coffee stuff, and i'm so excited to try it... whitney said she and her roommate love it.

oh... but don't spread it around that they didn't pay me money. i needed new portfolio pictures, okay? nobody else is going to get a free ride.

anyways. i'm so happy about it. it was SO good to get back in the saddle again with a legitimate photoshoot. and i spent the time working on how to work with my clients, get them in the right attitude and such for pictures so i can get my desired effect, and learning how to pose them better. i actually told them what to do this time! it helps so much.

i feel like those two things are a big part of professionalism that i was no where near having in my shoots.

i went through them all last night, edited them, and made a cd for their viewing... they sat in my lobby and ooh'd and ahh'd over them. they're so happy with them... i wanted to burst in an explosion of gladness.

slight exaggeration. but you get my meaning.

i just want to go home.

i don't like doing two negative posts in a row, but it's been a tough week.

and all i want to do is go home.

i've been super sensitive about everything concerning my family and louisville all week. i feel bad.

i have to do homework, but i would much rather curl up under my blanket and sleep. sleep would take me out of this for a while.

i think my dad was in my dream last night.

love.

I just tweeted this:

discussing with Rach the idea that a more correct (selfless) love would have included bold honesty, and the consequences of selfishness. Hm.

here's the deal. you should have told me the truth. i know i was naive, and i know that i was enjoying the attention. but now i miss our friendship. because our friendship according to me was something that was apparently not a friendship to you. 

but since that has changed, everything else will follow. 

i know it was "in like", not "in love", but if you loved me the way you told me you did, as a sister... then the more correct love should still have been shown through you. it's unfair to tell me that we're just friends, yet treat me the same way you're now treating your new "love interest". i understand so much more now. 

i'm sorry i was selfish. i liked the attention and time you gave me.

that part was my fault.

this sounds way dramatic. it's probably overboard. 

but i miss you. and it's spilling out into a blog post that i'm writing while i'm tired and dealing with weird girly emotions. 

don't worry about it.